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问题: 歌词翻译修改:Moonlight Shadow

我尝试着翻译了Groove Coverage的这首《Moonlight Shadow》,但却有诸多不满意之处。真心希望大家能给我些修改意见,谢过先!

特别注意:在翻译歌词时我对音韵有着一种偏执的追求,直译的话我也知道该如何做,但有时为了韵律之美我会稍稍牺牲一下原意。修改时您可以大刀阔斧,换韵也无所谓,但改后一定要有新的韵律。

The last that ever she saw him 最后也是永远的凝眸
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 融化于月色的光影
He passed on worried and warning 他离去时忧郁而警醒
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 融入进月色的光影

Lost in a river last Saturday night 消逝于上周六的夜幕间
Far away on the other side 在遥远的那一边
He was caught in the middle of a desperate fight 他被卷入野蛮的骚动
And she couldn't find how to push through 但她却不知何去何从

The trees that whisper in the evening 夜风中低吟的树岭
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 隐现于月色的光影
Sing a song of sorrow and grieving 唱一曲灵歌哀婉空灵
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 飘散在月色的光影

All she saw was a silhouette of a gun 她看到冰冷的枪尖
Far away on the other side 在遥远的那一边
He was shot six times by a man on the run 他身中逃犯六枪鲜血喷涌
And she couldn't find how to push through 但她却不知何去何从



I stay 我停留
I pray 我祈求
I see you in heaven far away 在遥远的天堂见你回眸

I stay 我停留
I pray 我祈求
I see you in heaven one day 终有一天在天堂见你回眸

Four am in the morning 凌晨四点朝曦未明
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 氤氲于月色的光影
I watched your vision forming 我看到你渐现的身形
Carried away by a moonlight shadow 晕开在月色的光影

Star was glowing in a silvery night 银色夜空星光闪现
Far away on the other side 在遥远的那一边
Will you come to talk to me this night 你可否入夜伴我倾谈吟咏
But she couldn't find how to push through 但她却不知何去何从

I stay 我停留
I pray 我祈求
I see you in heaven far away 在遥远的天堂见你回眸

I stay 我停留
I pray 我祈求
I see you in heaven one day 终有一天在天堂见你回眸

Far away on the other side 在遥远的那一边

Caught in the middle of a hundred and five 人潮躁动思绪纷乱
The night was heavy but the air was alive 夜色深沉空气在流动
But she couldn't find how to push through 但她却不知何去何从

Carried away by a moonlight shadow 消逝于月色的光影

Carried away by a moonlight shadow 消逝于月色的光影

Far away on the other side. 在遥远的那一边

解答:

I stay我逗留
Caught in the middle of a hundred and five 人潮中不知如何行动
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun 她看到的只是枪的碎片